Military Mom: Learning to Trust God
“I don’t know how you do it,” folks often said with a shake of their head. They were referring to my son’s deployment to Fallujah with the USMC during the height of the Iraq War.
The days were easier because I was busy teaching school. I talked and laughed with friends and students, and life felt normal. But the nights were tough.
I fell asleep right away but was usually jolted awake in the dead of the night. With all facades cast aside and nothing to distract me, reality set in. My heart raced, and I gasped for air as stress hormones held my brain hostage. I fought these panic attacks on my own for a while and lost so much sleep it became hard to function even during the day.
I needed a better counterattack if I was going to get through these miserable nights when Satan fueled my thoughts with anxiety.
One night I stopped tossing and turning and opened my Bible. The smell and feel of it had an immediate calming effect. I read random verses. I read familiar verses. I read and searched until I found a beautiful verse in Zephaniah 3:17 that seemed meant for me. The next time I struggled with sleep, I prayed my version of the verse over and over:
“Lord, quiet me with your love; sing songs of joy over me while I sleep.”
And more times than not, calmness covered me like a security blanket, and I’d find sleep again.
There were a few rough days as well.
Before my students entered the classroom one day, I checked the news on my computer’s homepage.
INSURGENT HOMEMADE BOMB KILLS 10 MARINES AND INJURES 11 IN FALLUJAH.
Reading quickly, I realized this happened to a unit attached to my son’s company. The group, taken off base to an abandoned flour factory for a promotion ceremony, never got to celebrate. The area had been swept for explosives and deemed safe; nevertheless, one of the Marines stepped on the pressure plate of a hidden bomb and set off an explosion.
Bile rose in my throat. My breathing was shallow and my heart beat faster as I scanned the page, searching for identities of the dead and wounded. My rational self said, “Whoa, slow down—you’d already know.”
My son was safe, but that didn’t stop my sorrow for the families of the ones who were not.
And then there was the morning I saw two uniformed military officers in the hallway as I unlocked my classroom. Were they here to see me? I was unable to breathe as I closed my door to hide from them. Leaning against the concrete-blocked wall for support, I pleaded, “Please God, no. Please, no.”
The officers were at school as guest speakers for a class of fifth graders.
God placed many people in my husband’s and my life to support us during this time. The prayers and phone calls were great comforts. The care packages they kept flowing to my boy lifted my heart. But an incident experienced by another mother and her son taught me mothers have to let go and trust God no matter where our children are.
My sister’s son was a few years older than mine. To help pay college costs, he worked as a manager trainee at a popular restaurant near campus. One night he was tasked with tallying the day’s receipts after the restaurant closed. He and another manager finished the job, locked the proceeds in the safe. and stepped out into the cool air. Two masked men greeted them with guns.
One of the men accompanied my nephew to the office, pointed a gun at him, and ordered him to open the safe. The other thief held the coworker outside. Not knowing the combination of the lock, my nephew desperately looked around the office for an answer. A crowbar lay in the corner of the room that he’d never noticed before. For what seemed an eternity, he worked the crowbar until he was able to force the safe open. The man called in his accomplice, cleared out the safe, and locked the frightened young men in a storage room. After waiting a half-hour and hearing nothing more, the boys called the police on one of their cell phones.
After learning of my nephew’s harrowing event and the aftermath of his PTSD, I had a revelation. Our children don’t have to be 7,000 miles from home fighting a war on terrorism to meet danger. No matter how near our children are, disaster can strike. Paradoxically, this recognition helped me let go of the fear that had gripped me during my son’s deployment. Having my boy home wouldn’t ensure his safety. I had to let go and trust God.
Our children don’t have to be 7,000 miles from home fighting a war on terrorism to meet danger. No matter how near our children are, disaster can strike. Paradoxically, this recognition helped me let go of the fear that had gripped me… Share on XFather,
Thank you for using the gift of parenthood to mature my faith. The direction of our children’s lives is no more controllable than the direction of our own. Only you know the future. Help me let go of my worry, my anxiety, my need to control. Cover him with your feathers; give him refuge under your wings.” Amen.
I love the first line of your prayer, “Thank you for using the gift of parenthood to mature my faith.” Such an accurate statement. Parenthood does mature our faith. We need to trust God with our children no matter what their ages. Thank you, Candyce, for this great reminder.
Candyce, tears ran down my face when you described ducking into your room to avoid the two soldiers in military attire at your school. I’ve counseled clients who’ve lost loved ones in war. As a mother it rips my heart out to hear those stories. But you are right. Those close are also exposed to danger. We have to let go and trust God.
Debbie, yes! And for me letting go and trusting Him is a daily process for me. Thank you.
I’m grateful for your son’s service to our country and to you for raising and praying for him, for bearing the burden of his time overseas, and for his safe return, and to you for sharing your faith walk story.
My teen daughter was kept safe when she spent a few months on a mission trip to a dangerous part of Kenya—while a terrorist attack took place in a seemingly safe location there, (a location where she had just visited days before).
Yes, truth is, the only safe place is in Christ. Safe is in the hands and will of Jesus. Safe is a right heart with God.
God bless you, your family, and writing journey.
Thank you Rachel. I appreciate your comments more than you can know. I wish the same for you as we persevere on this rocky road of life with the help of our Savior.
Thank you for sharing this deeply personal story. May the Lord continue to encourage, strengthen, and protect you and your family.
Appreciate the time you took to read and comment, Joshua. I wish the same for you.
I’ve been blessed never to watch my son or daughter leave for combat in a hostile conflict. We all love our children and pray for them daily, but sending them off to war must be the hardest challenge ever. I’m so thankful he came home safely. But, as you point out, danger is everywhere and we and our children face it on a daily basis. Even our highways can become battlegrounds as recent news has shown. We have to let go and trust God and you’ve given us faith and hope to believe that our Lord is Able. Thank you for your inspiring message.
And thank you for your time and thoughtful comment, Katherine.
Your post resonates with me, Candyce. My son enlisted in the Air Force a week after 9/11 and even though the early enlistment meant I had a year to get used to the idea, I didn’t. I struggled too. My heart races right along with yours.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Jeanne. 9/11 affected so many of us in indirect ways and will continue to do so. Thankfully, my family survived it though we struggled through it and I trust yours did too,
I’m thankful for your son (and nephew’s) sacrifice in serving our country. I remember when our 16 y/o son went to India for three months with a mission trip. As we walked back to our car after dropping off, I was crying but as I settled into my seat, I “heard” God say, “Don’t cry. I’m answering your prayers in using Zach for my glory, and that’s the safest place he can be.” Wow, that still brings tears to my eyes.
Blessings, Candyce.
Thank you for sharing about your son, Cathy. God knows how to provide the peace mothers need when it comes to our children. And each of those little moments has been a stepping stone to a stronger faith in Him and His provision.
Ms. Candyce. My heart goes out for you and for any worrying mother. Both my older brother and I both came home safely from serving in the military, but that didn’t stop our little mama from praying daily for our safety. Both Dick and I would have given anything if we could have stopped our parents from worrying, but we could barely control our own fear and worry at the time. You are so correct, sharing your nephew’s harrowing story. Given the lack of morality and overall godlessness sweeping over the world right now, there is no place on earth that is safe any longer. Have come to the conclusion that I will do my best to keep myself and my family and friends safe, but the best thing I can do is pray their safety and plant the seeds of faith so each can know their eternity is secure. I think this comes from knowing we are only visitors in this world now. God’s blessings ma’am.
You are correct, my friend. All we can really do is pray for our loved one’s safety and salvation. Great point!
Your illustration also makes me wonder about something. I never thought that my son might be concerned for me during his time overseas, but I bet he felt my worry. Nevertheless, we both came through it all unharmed and with a stronger faith.
Blessings to you.